Passion. Can you follow it?


The most common moral boosters about Passion:  “Follow your Passion!”, “Live with Passion”, “Find your Passion”, “Do it with Passion or not at all.”, “Ignite your passion”, “Chase down your Passion”, “Don’t underestimate the power of Passion”, “Without Passion, Life is nothing!”, “Know your Passion”.

You know what I say about Passion?  …  “BAH HUMBUG!”

No that’s not my depressed soul belching out in rebellion.  It’s my impatient self putting up with a society that makes depressed people happy by using terms that wanna make me stick a wooden spoon down my throat!

Kidding folks.  I’m just trying to make my impression of a Randy Quaid rant.  Probably didn’t come close.


But, but but, …..

Passion is not what we are taught these days.  If I had a choice to describe what passion is, I would rather describe passion in the heated sexual context rather than the spoon gagging sense that makes so many self motivation phrases possible.  So don’t get me wrong.  I’m not against passion.

Passion is unmistakable and magical.  Passion is not something you seek.  Passion is something you can’t control.  Passion is not within your control.  Passion in itself means you don’t have a choice.  You can’t choose to follow your passion, as people are already following if they have a passion.  So enough about passion.  What is it that draws me to rant and rage about such a powerful idea?  It’s the idea that people feel you can follow, know, believe, and be drawn to their passion.  That is not the truth.

So what is it?  If we can’t follow, enjoy, and be immersed and choose to do these this with Passion, then what can we do it with?


You can apply all the above verbs to your curiosities.  Lets play with my paragraph above:

Curiosities are unmistakable and magical.  Curiosities are something you seek.  Curiosities are something you CAN control.  Curiosity is within your control.  Curiosity in itself means you DO have a choice.  You can choose to follow your curiosities, as people choose which curiosities to follow every day.  So engage yourself with your curiosities!  What is it that draws me to rave about such a powerful idea?  It’s the idea that people feel you can follow, know, believe, and be drawn to their curiosities.  That IS the truth!

And just in case you need your motivational phrases, use these instead:

“Follow your Curiosities!”, “Live with Curiosity”, “Find your Curiosities”, “Do it with Curiosity or not at all.”, “Ignite your Curiosities”, “Chase down your Curiosities”, “Don’t underestimate the power of Curiosities”, “Without Curiosities, Life is nothing!”, “Know your Curiosities”.

Now there is a true magical and enchanted word.




posted by phoxes in 2 cents,life,phox thoughts and have No Comments

Garlic shrimp





Eating Healthy and Low carb
Garlic Shrimp and Brussel Sprouts
8 Brussel Sprouts cut in half
8 pre cooked shrimp
2 garlic cloves sliced
a pinch or 2 of basil
salt and pepper to taste
about a tsp butter
olive oil
Preheat a skillet with a little olive oil, add garlic and brussel sprouts, cook for about 2 min on med-high heat, flipping your sprouts, add butter, once it’s melted add your shrimp, season with salt and pepper and basil. Make sure you flip your sprouts and shrimp so that both sides have nice color. Once everything has a nice brown color its done
Plate and Enjoy

posted by phoxes in diabetes,food and have No Comments

Detox Drink

1393513_766958750015079_8176760151286680959_n1 glass of water (12-16 oz.)
2 Tbsp. Apple Cider Vinegar (Braggs from Hy-Vee / non pasteurized)
2 Tbsp. lemon juice
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 Tbsp. Raw Honey

Blend all ingredients together

Secret Recipe Detox Drink will help your body burn fat, lose weight, fight diabetes.

Apple Cider Vinegar is full of enzymes and good bacteria. It contains acetic acid which has been shown to lower blood pressure up to 6%. It can also help eat up the starches if you do eat grains in your diet. (I use Bragg – Apple Cider Vinegar)

Lemon juice helps balance blood sugar and has an alkaline effect on your body helping to regulate ph. It contains, Vitamin C. ( use Lakewood Organic PURE Lemon Juice)

Cinnamon is one of the best anti-oxidants on the planet. It is the number one herb/spice for balancing blood sugar.

Honey is very rich in various beneficial substances and can be used even for weight loss. For centuries it treated wounds, and also lung, gynecological, skin and heart diseases. One teaspoon of honey reduces pain in the throat, and even can calm nerves and can be very helpful to lose weight. It contains enzymes that stimulate the digestive process and boost your metabolism, which contributes to weight reduction.

Last comment, Use Braggs apple cider vinegar. Using the pasteurized one is not the same. You can find Braggs in the Hy-vee health food section.

posted by phoxes in diabetes,recipe and have No Comments

Avocado and Tomato Salad

936485_472158749540427_1772276546_n4 cups avocados, diced medium
2 cups grape tomatoes or 2 cups cherry tomatoes
2 cups cucumbers, peeled and diced medium
1 cup red onion, diced small
4 tablespoons fresh cilantro, chopped
2 teaspoons fresh garlic, minced
2 tablespoons lime juice
1/4 cup olive oil
fresh black pepper
Lettuce (if you want)
Toss all ingredients in a bowl and top on a bed of lettuce (if desired)
Makes 8 servings
Calories 201.9 Total Fat 17.9 g Sodium 10.2 mg Total Carbohydrate 11.6 g Dietary Fiber 5.8 g Sugars 1.8 g

posted by phoxes in recipe and have No Comments

Hard to deal with

I’m my own worst enemy.  I’m extremely hard to deal with, when it comes to me dealing with myself.untitled-11  I see now that I’ve basically tortured myself… knowingly hurting myself.  Everything I’ve done the past 3 months has been wrong for me.  I’m telling myself that today is going to be different. I’m sick and tired of telling myself that, and I’m sick and tired of using “I’m” for the start of almost every sentence in this paragraph. Something has to change. My health, of course, is my concern. I’m not being fair with myself.  I’m caving in to any and all of my cravings, as if I’m forcing myself to get sick.  It has to stop.  TODAY!  I feel like crap.  I feel like just sleeping forever.  I’m so tired and can’t keep my mind on my work.  Actually I’ve felt like total crap for a month now.  And I’m not doing anything about it. I don’t feel sorry for myself.  (I’m sure you can tell).  I blame myself.  I need to remember to thank God for my problems and keep in first and foremost.  Lord help me.

posted by phoxes in diabetes,health,life,my life,Uncategorized and have No Comments

My 84 days of Summer

84days2So this is it.  I have 84 days.  This puts it at August 25th.  Hopefully in 84 days I will not only become one year older, I’ll Have lived 4 decades.   And today is the start that hopefully I will have changed a major part of my recent lifestyle.  A lifestyle change that will allow me to be around hopefully another 40.  I have been going downhill fast and I’m definitely feeling the effects of my unhealthy lifestyle.  Having diabetes as well as all the other 5 other risk factors for heart disease doesn’t give me a fair advantage.  Why 84?  Well the way I see it, if I can meet my modest goal within the 3 months, I know I can meet my overall goal for the rest of the year.  I’ve realized that the only thing I don’t have control of is my age (or so they say, BRING ON #40!), so……here goes nothing God willing.  Wish me luck.

posted by phoxes in life,my life,phox thoughts and have No Comments


posted by phoxes in Music,phox thoughts and have No Comments

Another year, again and again

Here I sit, in the same spot, telling myself I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  I’m not better off, as I don’t take care of myself.  I’m a little nervous to say I’m worried about my next Dr. visit in a few weeks.  I need to somehow snap out of this spell.  My depression is worse, yet I find such weird ways to keep it at bay.  But only for a short while.  It’s much harder for me to remember the small things that happen daily in my life.  I hope I get better.  It’s all I think about any more… from the time I wake to the time I sleep.  I’m literally exhausted by bed time anymore.  I just want my life back.  God willing.

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Again and again…

I’m feeling sick again.  It’s not like I ever got better.  I actually fooled myself into thinking I’m better, but my body is hurting and that easily breaks my selfish foolishness quite easy.  Hence New Year Resolutions!  We shall see.  I’ve started off January 1st, 2013 on a good note.  Followed my regimen to a tee.  We shall see about the rest of the 364 days left this year.

It will be a good year…  (pause)

I have to tell myself that.  I really don’t have any other options to go with.  With God by my side, I will concur this pain.  I’m on my second year (almost to the week exact) that I was officially diagnosed with a bunch of junk, as well as depression along with generalized anxiety disorder.  As of my last visit a few months ago, my depression was further classified as dysthymia. I’ve been on medicine for 2 years now to treat all my symptoms.  This past year I even participated in a 10 week double-blind study (actually helped, but relief went away shortly after the study ended.  We have tried different treatments, especially with medicine for the anxiety and depression, but my last go at that basically put me into a major spin, which I’d have no way to operate at work feeling like that, so they put me back on my old medicine.

I think what I regret most is my reluctance to ask for help from my family and friends.  I have a wonderful wife by my side, and I hide (sometimes) my feelings and my actions from her.  Very few people know of my struggle and that puts me into a lonely position as well. I’m wondering if this post is my way of asking for help, or acknowledgement for sideline support (and I’m not sure what else will help me, so I figured I’d at least give it a try.)  I hide my condition from people, mainly because I’m embarrassed and I know there are people out there worse off than me, so I don’t want that kind of attention.   I also feel like others may think I’m a fake.  I feel stupid writing that, but I just had to come out and say it.  I’m really not wanting recognition or people to feel sorry.  I just want help!  I’m not sorry, I thank God daily for my trials.  He has sure put me to the test.  Like I said….  this is going to be a good year (pause)….

I come home thoroughly and utterly exhausted from work.  I think I go all day trying my best to hide my feelings and put on a fake smile so too often. As soon as people leave my office, I too often find myself biting my lower lip, trying to hold back the exorbitant amount of emotions I had just stocked up on.  It affects my work to say the least.  A few times I can bunker down beneath my feelings and hide them from myself for a while.  That is like the best drug I could ask for, as it secures me for a little while.

I call my self the “planner”.  I use it as a way to schedule my days, and weeks ahead.  I feel as if I need to immerse myself with family, so I call them way in advance to set the dates for weekend dinner plans, etc.  This temporarily makes me feel better until the time comes, and I’m there, and I’m ready to go home to the quiet.  And then when I’m at home, I loose it because I miss my family, and didn’t spend enough time with them when I was with them just an hour ago.  I then get in my vehicle, usually with wife beside, and just drive and drive and drive, until I’m ready to go home again (at least a few hours).  My wife is pretty sick of my driving loop.  I usually pick the same driving routes, and the scenery gets a little old for her.

I’ve lost some opportunities the past two years, because of my depression, for sure.  I want my life back.  I want myself back but I feel like I’m in the largest cage.

Due to the sensitivity of this subject, I want it to be known that I’m getting help, and I’m not in a position to want to hurt myself; nor do I think I ever have been.  I thank God for that.  I have enough sense to know that God doesn’t want me to take the ‘easy’ way out.  I like things complicated!

I thank God for giving me another day to work this out.

Today is January 12th.  I actually started this post on January 2nd.  I think I have edited this post at least four different times now (today it’s January 30th February 10th and I still haven’t published this post, and have edited it again and again and again….lol).  Reluctant to say the least of publishing this post.

Now it’s April 7th.   Had a wonderful day at my folks house yesterday.  Happy Birthday, Mom!

Now it’s June 5th.  My new years resolution didn’t last long.  I went back to the Dr. May 1st with problems worse than when I began.  My A1C was over 8 (higher than expected) and I had weighed in heavier than I originally did when I was diagnosed over two years ago.  My depression has been getting worse and my anxiety has kept me from living any sense of a normal life.  I must say that it’s the most horrible feeling in the world to feel like you are trapped in your own little box.  And when you are in that box, you hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing, but a deep and utter emptiness that goes so far as to try and take all your breath away.  I’ve had this feeling the past two weeks more than ever.

I went back to the Dr last week with good news.  I dropped 14 lbs since a month ago, and the new medicine is getting my sugar levels back to where they belong.  The Dr has also changed my mood altering medicine since he thinks that maybe my body had slowly become immune to the stuff I had been taking for the last 2 years.  The past 2 days have been tolerable.  Today has been the best I’ve felt all month.   I sat down at my computer this morning at work, and see all the stuff on my desk and tagged emails that remind me to do something with them.  This is the hard part trying to remember and organize myself from over the past month of losing sight and mind.  But God willing, I’ll make it through this.

May 30th, I had a panic attack while AT the Dr.’s office.  He confirmed I wasn’t having a heart attack and then decided to change my medicine again and now has me seeing a specialist.  I took my medicine when I left and then thought it would be a bright idea to go towards work.  Worst mistake of the year.  I won’t go into too much detail, but my vehicle ride felt like I was in a ride to hell.  I had to get off the freeway and take back-roads all the way to work; which was a master feat in itself.  When I finally made it to work, I ran out of my truck, into my office, and put my head on my table…..   and fell asleep.

I’ve lost a few more lbs.  I think I’m down about 28 lbs or so.  Still have a looooong way to go… but I really am trying my hardest.

Now it’s August 18th, just a few days till my birthday.  I see the Dr in a few weeks again.  I’m not sure how this is going to turn out.  I feel like I’m getting better, but other times I know I’m not.  It’s very confusing.  I sold my motorcycle.  Didn’t think I’d ever do that.  It was too dangerous for me to ride when I get super anxious.  Hopefully some day I can get another one.  I found another outlet to spend my time, by fixing up another boat.  Although for all the work I put into it so far, I don’t feel relaxed.

I think I’m finally going to hit the post button on this one and put it out there.  Here we go….

posted by phoxes in breaking depression and have No Comments

Basement Bar

When we originally purchased our house years ago, the basement was finished and had a nice 20’x15′ area for a family room.  We used it for that for a while, but then things changed, my kids ended up living with us, Alex went to job corps, and then when she returned, we ended up letting her use the basement as her room.  Now that Alex moved out on her own, we decided to spruce up basement by turning it into a living room/bar area.  I’ll keep this post updated as we get further along.


Everything starts with a plan.  Here is a rough sketch my dad and I drew up…

Early on rough sketch bar plans


Shopping for things

Here are a few things we were looking at for the bar…


Saturday, February 2nd

Water valve under the sink was leaking, so I went ahead and fixed while running some new lines out to the living room wall, where the bar sink will go.

Sunday February 3rd

Room before tearing apart.


Scraping off the popcorn ceiling








posted by phoxes in home improvements and have No Comments