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Another year, again and again

Here I sit, in the same spot, telling myself I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  I’m not better off, as I don’t take care of myself.  I’m a little nervous to say I’m worried about my next Dr. visit in a few weeks.  I need to somehow snap out of this spell.  My depression is worse, yet I find such weird ways to keep it at bay.  But only for a short while.  It’s much harder for me to remember the small things that happen daily in my life.  I hope I get better.  It’s all I think about any more… from the time I wake to the time I sleep.  I’m literally exhausted by bed time anymore.  I just want my life back.  God willing.

posted by phoxes in Uncategorized and have No Comments

Tools Explained

Tools Explained

skilsaw

 

SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

beltsander

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

wirewheel

 

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, ‘Oh shit’.

 

drillpress

 

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out

of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across

the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in

the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

channellocks

 

Channel Locks:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood-blisters.

hacksaw

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms

human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to

influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

 

visegrips

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

 

 

 

oxcacetylenetorch

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your

shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

tablesaw

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used

to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Very effective for digit removal !!

 

floorjack

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake

trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

bandsaw1

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into

the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

enginehoist

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you

forgot to disconnect.

 

phyllipsscrewdriver

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,

as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

commonscrewdriver

 

COMMON SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

prybar

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that

clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to

replace a 50 cent part.

pipecutter

 

PVC PIPE CUTTER:

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

 

hammer

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

utilityknife

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

posted by phoxes in Man Tools and have No Comments

Again and again…

I’m feeling sick again.  It’s not like I ever got better.  I actually fooled myself into thinking I’m better, but my body is hurting and that easily breaks my selfish foolishness quite easy.  Hence New Year Resolutions!  We shall see.  I’ve started off January 1st, 2013 on a good note.  Followed my regimen to a tee.  We shall see about the rest of the 364 days left this year.

It will be a good year…  (pause)

I have to tell myself that.  I really don’t have any other options to go with.  With God by my side, I will concur this pain.  I’m on my second year (almost to the week exact) that I was officially diagnosed with a bunch of junk, as well as depression along with generalized anxiety disorder.  As of my last visit a few months ago, my depression was further classified as dysthymia. I’ve been on medicine for 2 years now to treat all my symptoms.  This past year I even participated in a 10 week double-blind study (actually helped, but relief went away shortly after the study ended.  We have tried different treatments, especially with medicine for the anxiety and depression, but my last go at that basically put me into a major spin, which I’d have no way to operate at work feeling like that, so they put me back on my old medicine.

I think what I regret most is my reluctance to ask for help from my family and friends.  I have a wonderful wife by my side, and I hide (sometimes) my feelings and my actions from her.  Very few people know of my struggle and that puts me into a lonely position as well. I’m wondering if this post is my way of asking for help, or acknowledgement for sideline support (and I’m not sure what else will help me, so I figured I’d at least give it a try.)  I hide my condition from people, mainly because I’m embarrassed and I know there are people out there worse off than me, so I don’t want that kind of attention.   I also feel like others may think I’m a fake.  I feel stupid writing that, but I just had to come out and say it.  I’m really not wanting recognition or people to feel sorry.  I just want help!  I’m not sorry, I thank God daily for my trials.  He has sure put me to the test.  Like I said….  this is going to be a good year (pause)….

I come home thoroughly and utterly exhausted from work.  I think I go all day trying my best to hide my feelings and put on a fake smile so too often. As soon as people leave my office, I too often find myself biting my lower lip, trying to hold back the exorbitant amount of emotions I had just stocked up on.  It affects my work to say the least.  A few times I can bunker down beneath my feelings and hide them from myself for a while.  That is like the best drug I could ask for, as it secures me for a little while.

I call my self the “planner”.  I use it as a way to schedule my days, and weeks ahead.  I feel as if I need to immerse myself with family, so I call them way in advance to set the dates for weekend dinner plans, etc.  This temporarily makes me feel better until the time comes, and I’m there, and I’m ready to go home to the quiet.  And then when I’m at home, I loose it because I miss my family, and didn’t spend enough time with them when I was with them just an hour ago.  I then get in my vehicle, usually with wife beside, and just drive and drive and drive, until I’m ready to go home again (at least a few hours).  My wife is pretty sick of my driving loop.  I usually pick the same driving routes, and the scenery gets a little old for her.

I’ve lost some opportunities the past two years, because of my depression, for sure.  I want my life back.  I want myself back but I feel like I’m in the largest cage.

Due to the sensitivity of this subject, I want it to be known that I’m getting help, and I’m not in a position to want to hurt myself; nor do I think I ever have been.  I thank God for that.  I have enough sense to know that God doesn’t want me to take the ‘easy’ way out.  I like things complicated!

I thank God for giving me another day to work this out.

Today is January 12th.  I actually started this post on January 2nd.  I think I have edited this post at least four different times now (today it’s January 30th February 10th and I still haven’t published this post, and have edited it again and again and again….lol).  Reluctant to say the least of publishing this post.

Now it’s April 7th.   Had a wonderful day at my folks house yesterday.  Happy Birthday, Mom!

Now it’s June 5th.  My new years resolution didn’t last long.  I went back to the Dr. May 1st with problems worse than when I began.  My A1C was over 8 (higher than expected) and I had weighed in heavier than I originally did when I was diagnosed over two years ago.  My depression has been getting worse and my anxiety has kept me from living any sense of a normal life.  I must say that it’s the most horrible feeling in the world to feel like you are trapped in your own little box.  And when you are in that box, you hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing, but a deep and utter emptiness that goes so far as to try and take all your breath away.  I’ve had this feeling the past two weeks more than ever.

I went back to the Dr last week with good news.  I dropped 14 lbs since a month ago, and the new medicine is getting my sugar levels back to where they belong.  The Dr has also changed my mood altering medicine since he thinks that maybe my body had slowly become immune to the stuff I had been taking for the last 2 years.  The past 2 days have been tolerable.  Today has been the best I’ve felt all month.   I sat down at my computer this morning at work, and see all the stuff on my desk and tagged emails that remind me to do something with them.  This is the hard part trying to remember and organize myself from over the past month of losing sight and mind.  But God willing, I’ll make it through this.

May 30th, I had a panic attack while AT the Dr.’s office.  He confirmed I wasn’t having a heart attack and then decided to change my medicine again and now has me seeing a specialist.  I took my medicine when I left and then thought it would be a bright idea to go towards work.  Worst mistake of the year.  I won’t go into too much detail, but my vehicle ride felt like I was in a ride to hell.  I had to get off the freeway and take back-roads all the way to work; which was a master feat in itself.  When I finally made it to work, I ran out of my truck, into my office, and put my head on my table…..   and fell asleep.

I’ve lost a few more lbs.  I think I’m down about 28 lbs or so.  Still have a looooong way to go… but I really am trying my hardest.

Now it’s August 18th, just a few days till my birthday.  I see the Dr in a few weeks again.  I’m not sure how this is going to turn out.  I feel like I’m getting better, but other times I know I’m not.  It’s very confusing.  I sold my motorcycle.  Didn’t think I’d ever do that.  It was too dangerous for me to ride when I get super anxious.  Hopefully some day I can get another one.  I found another outlet to spend my time, by fixing up another boat.  Although for all the work I put into it so far, I don’t feel relaxed.

I think I’m finally going to hit the post button on this one and put it out there.  Here we go….

posted by phoxes in breaking depression and have No Comments

Basement Bar

When we originally purchased our house years ago, the basement was finished and had a nice 20′x15′ area for a family room.  We used it for that for a while, but then things changed, my kids ended up living with us, Alex went to job corps, and then when she returned, we ended up letting her use the basement as her room.  Now that Alex moved out on her own, we decided to spruce up basement by turning it into a living room/bar area.  I’ll keep this post updated as we get further along.

Plans

Everything starts with a plan.  Here is a rough sketch my dad and I drew up…

Early on rough sketch bar plans

 

Shopping for things

Here are a few things we were looking at for the bar…

 

Saturday, February 2nd

Water valve under the sink was leaking, so I went ahead and fixed while running some new lines out to the living room wall, where the bar sink will go.

Sunday February 3rd

Room before tearing apart.

 

Scraping off the popcorn ceiling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

posted by phoxes in home improvements and have No Comments

Dreams…

aaa

from January 13th…

I had a really vivid dream last night.  Maybe it’s the cough syrup, but something made this one stand out.  I’ve been thinking about it all day.

I was sitting on a fallen tree, with the snow gently blowing, staring off into the open field, which went on for at least a quarter mile until the snow turned the backdrop completely white.  I was at a forest’s edge, with it to my back.  From behind, I could hear the birds talking, the squirrels jumping between the naked limbs, and the large trees gently swaying to the winter wind.  In front, I heard the dead grass sway and the gentle wind blow, as snow tumbled and tossed in front of me like a show.  A creek was gently flowing.  Ice clinging to sides with water running underneath.  Surreal to say the least.  My thoughts were empty, just enjoying the cage of sights and sounds within my head.  I felt alone and en-caged within this little perfect world.  It felt so real, and the sounds were so vivid.  The smell of cold was distinct, but I felt nothing but great warmth inside.

I peered into the swaying field with my mind in a numbing trance.  I fixated a point off into the snowy distance.  The point slowly faded from snow white to human form as it walked towards me through the snowy field.  A young girl no older than ten years came towards me smiling.  Bundled tightly in a black winter coat, over sized black mittens, with big large black fluffy ear muffs covering her head.  Her hair was a long curly brown and her eyes a piercing green against the monochrome field backdrop behind her. Her cheeks were a puffy red, from the cold of the winter air.  Dimples stood proudly while she grinned a happy face.

[I have seen this girl before, but I can't for the life of me remember where.  When I first saw her in my dream, a feeling of deja vu overcame me.]

She stood a good six feet away from me.  She maintained eyesight while removing her black shawl.  She then knelt on one knee, and put the shawl in between us on the ground within a good sized square.  Before only a few flakes of snow could cover the cloth, she grabbed the two ends and threw it in the air.  A wood fire appeared beneath, and crackled  a warm orange glow.  She again looked me in the eye.  Now the fire reflected in her eyes, and the warm smile reflected in my mind.  The smell of hickory now filled the warm snowy air.  My senses were on sensory overload as I tried to take it all within.  We stood with the fire between us and she seemed to be at ease.

My dream ended shortly thereafter, but not before she asked me a very simple but seemingly open ended question.  She asked, “What is it like?”

I stood silent and motionless for a moment… staring her in the eyes.  A surge of emotion filled my head and all of a sudden, for the first time, I felt really cold.  My sight fell down towards the fire, and as quickly as the emotion filled my mind, it emptied, fanning the flames further into the air.  That phrase “What is it like?”, echoed in my mind until finally the sound of the surroundings came back into focus.  The crick was babbling, the field was bowing, the trees were creaking, and the fire was cracking.  Warmth started once again to fill me.  Still staring at the fire, I proceeded to answer her. I slowly replied, “Like a stomach full of butterflies…”

I don’t believe my dream went much further than that.  I’ve been thinking about this all day!  It’s driving me nuts.  I’ve tried to picture where I’ve seen this girl, and I’m pretty sure I understood her question, although unsure why she would have asked.  I really wish I had a dream expert that could give me a few clues!  It’s literally driving me insane!!! Whats more, it snowed this afternoon, and that made me think about it even more.  I lit a fire in the fireplace and imagined a lot of different endings, but none seemed quite right other than the ending that happened, even if it was cut a bit short.

posted by phoxes in dreams and have No Comments

Let Earth Receive Her King!

Let Earth Receive Her King

posted by phoxes in Blessing,christmas,Christmas,God,holiday,Jesus,Lord,winter and have No Comments

Shepherds

Have ya ever wondered why God chose Chapter One to begin the way it did? God could have announced Jesus’s birth to humanity by pulling out all the stops, fireworks and all. That would surly have been a magnificent sight and sound, with Angels harking, and dancers dancing and possibly even Ryan Seacrest counting down the seconds!! But he didn’t. God chose the shepherds. Surly they smelled and were a little dirty and ragged. Definitely wasn’t announced in a Blaze of Glory.

But consider this. Jesus came in order to lay his life down for each and every one of us in this world; all in the fashion of a truly good shepherd. Just as the shepherds would have laid their life down for their flock. So maybe an angelic visitation to shepherds in Bethlehem – men who understood feeding and guiding and saving – was the best way for Chapter One to begin!

posted by phoxes in christmas,phox thoughts and have No Comments

Autumn Shadows

Autumn is a sensory summoning factory.  Autumn mornings start with a crisp cold fog, that make way to mid day sunny blue skies, that fall to long cast shadows that tower far and beyond.  Senescense becomes apparent through the hues of yellow brown and orange.  The air has a certain weight to it, a dampness that presses against your skin.  Autumn smells like the smoke from the first fireplace fire of the season.  It sounds of leaves leaving trees naked while blowing across the street.

Autumn causes sensory perceptions to cross.  Though dampness is something felt, it can also have taste.  And where it has taste, it can also be smell.   Autumn is distinct in sight, sound, and smell.  And the taste of pumpkin pie is an Autumn delight.

 

posted by phoxes in Autumn and have No Comments

Smack dab in the middle of the good ol’ USA…

There’s an old two story farmhouse right off Madison on 58 highway here in Raymore.  I took my walk past this farmhouse this evening.  I happened to look East and the view made me stop.    From the sidewalk in front of the farmhouse you can look East across the highway and you can literally see for miles.  The second story window of this old farmhouse faces East, and from that window you can see even farther!  (I know as my mom uses this farmhouse as her vintage shop).  I’m not sure but I think I would be safe to say that this is one of the higher elevations in the area.  The view is quite pretty, and you see nothing but trees and tree tops as far off as the horizon may be.  I sometimes wonder what it looked like out that window 100 years ago and I wonder what the people of the day thought about that view back then.  Somehow though in my moment of pause I started to reflect on the events of 9/11.

Specifically I started growing dumbfounded that anyone in this world would die for the chance to harm any of the great people of this nation.  I realized that I’ve been in my own little world for too long.  I’m smack dab in the middle of the  greatest Nation on Earth, looking over the great land as far as the eye can see.  There is no hate in my view, only peace.  But I realized that I’ve been sheltered from so much and I can’t comprehend the hate so many others  have against our Nation.  I can’t put myself in the deployed soldiers shoes.  I don’t realize how much blood has been shed to give me the right and/or the ability just to walk down my sidewalk without fear of being attacked or worse.  I do too often take for granted what I’ve been given and know that my freedom  definitely does not come easy or at no cost.  Yet it’s totally incomprehensible to me.  My view of the miles of treetops shields me from the hate that is really so close to home.  I won’t say that I haven’t realized the cost for our freedom, but this view in front of me, the miles of beautiful land, definitely put it all in a new perspective for me.

Twilight had just arrived as I was pondering my view.  The soft glowing light from the sky cast from the sun just below the horizon opposite of my view.  It just seemed like a great time to reflect on the recent events of our Nation and to pray and give thanks to all those that have served, past and present, for our great Nation.  God grant safety to those that serve, and keep there families at peace while protecting all of this Great Nation!

posted by phoxes in Blessing,family,life,my life,phox thoughts and have No Comments

Just another day over 100…

…Neighbor nabs suspect, holds at gunpoint…Woman found murdered in Kansas City…3 Robbery Suspects Arrested Inside Bank…Grandmother sentenced for harming girl…Marriage Stance causing Social Storm…Neighbor helps catch man in domestic violence case…Mom arrested after boy, 5, clad only in diaper found walking highway…Police Look for Suspect in Aggravated Burglary…Murder suspect arrested; pregnant girlfriend set on fire…Chilling video shows Philadelphia Child Abduction Try…Woman found dead in home was a grandmother of 2…  Homicide investigation under way after man shot near 31st, Booth…3 Month Old Goat stirs up controversy in Lawrence…Deer invade Northland neighborhoods…Man caught hiding in ceiling of Leawood movie theater women’s restroom…

That’s the basic news headlines in Kansas City this Thursday.  I can’t believe those crazy goats and deer.

posted by phoxes in Uncategorized and have No Comments