Tools Explained
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ‘Oh shit’.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in
the corner where nothing could get to it.
Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your
shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you
forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
COMMON SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Back to the main line. Remember that through all the mess and crap that people do, we have one thing that has never changed, and never will. Take a walk with Him someday, and you will become friends forever. He’s always there, always listening, and always loving. That’s sure reassuring.