I’m feeling sick again. It’s not like I ever got better. I actually fooled myself into thinking I’m better, but my body is hurting and that easily breaks my selfish foolishness quite easy. Hence New Year Resolutions! We shall see. I’ve started off January 1st, 2013 on a good note. Followed my regimen to a tee. We shall see about the rest of the 364 days left this year.
It will be a good year… (pause)
I have to tell myself that. I really don’t have any other options to go with. With God by my side, I will concur this pain. I’m on my second year (almost to the week exact) that I was officially diagnosed with a bunch of junk, as well as depression along with generalized anxiety disorder. As of my last visit a few months ago, my depression was further classified as dysthymia. I’ve been on medicine for 2 years now to treat all my symptoms. This past year I even participated in a 10 week double-blind study (actually helped, but relief went away shortly after the study ended. We have tried different treatments, especially with medicine for the anxiety and depression, but my last go at that basically put me into a major spin, which I’d have no way to operate at work feeling like that, so they put me back on my old medicine.
I think what I regret most is my reluctance to ask for help from my family and friends. I have a wonderful wife by my side, and I hide (sometimes) my feelings and my actions from her. Very few people know of my struggle and that puts me into a lonely position as well. I’m wondering if this post is my way of asking for help, or acknowledgement for sideline support (and I’m not sure what else will help me, so I figured I’d at least give it a try.) I hide my condition from people, mainly because I’m embarrassed and I know there are people out there worse off than me, so I don’t want that kind of attention. I also feel like others may think I’m a fake. I feel stupid writing that, but I just had to come out and say it. I’m really not wanting recognition or people to feel sorry. I just want help! I’m not sorry, I thank God daily for my trials. He has sure put me to the test. Like I said…. this is going to be a good year (pause)….
I come home thoroughly and utterly exhausted from work. I think I go all day trying my best to hide my feelings and put on a fake smile so too often. As soon as people leave my office, I too often find myself biting my lower lip, trying to hold back the exorbitant amount of emotions I had just stocked up on. It affects my work to say the least. A few times I can bunker down beneath my feelings and hide them from myself for a while. That is like the best drug I could ask for, as it secures me for a little while.
I call my self the “planner”. I use it as a way to schedule my days, and weeks ahead. I feel as if I need to immerse myself with family, so I call them way in advance to set the dates for weekend dinner plans, etc. This temporarily makes me feel better until the time comes, and I’m there, and I’m ready to go home to the quiet. And then when I’m at home, I loose it because I miss my family, and didn’t spend enough time with them when I was with them just an hour ago. I then get in my vehicle, usually with wife beside, and just drive and drive and drive, until I’m ready to go home again (at least a few hours). My wife is pretty sick of my driving loop. I usually pick the same driving routes, and the scenery gets a little old for her.
I’ve lost some opportunities the past two years, because of my depression, for sure. I want my life back. I want myself back but I feel like I’m in the largest cage.
Due to the sensitivity of this subject, I want it to be known that I’m getting help, and I’m not in a position to want to hurt myself; nor do I think I ever have been. I thank God for that. I have enough sense to know that God doesn’t want me to take the ‘easy’ way out. I like things complicated!
I thank God for giving me another day to work this out.
Today is January 12th. I actually started this post on January 2nd. I think I have edited this post at least four different times now (today it’s
January 30th February 10th and I still haven’t published this post, and have edited it again and again and again….lol). Reluctant to say the least of publishing this post.
Now it’s April 7th. Had a wonderful day at my folks house yesterday. Happy Birthday, Mom!
Now it’s June 5th. My new years resolution didn’t last long. I went back to the Dr. May 1st with problems worse than when I began. My A1C was over 8 (higher than expected) and I had weighed in heavier than I originally did when I was diagnosed over two years ago. My depression has been getting worse and my anxiety has kept me from living any sense of a normal life. I must say that it’s the most horrible feeling in the world to feel like you are trapped in your own little box. And when you are in that box, you hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing, but a deep and utter emptiness that goes so far as to try and take all your breath away. I’ve had this feeling the past two weeks more than ever.
I went back to the Dr last week with good news. I dropped 14 lbs since a month ago, and the new medicine is getting my sugar levels back to where they belong. The Dr has also changed my mood altering medicine since he thinks that maybe my body had slowly become immune to the stuff I had been taking for the last 2 years. The past 2 days have been tolerable. Today has been the best I’ve felt all month. I sat down at my computer this morning at work, and see all the stuff on my desk and tagged emails that remind me to do something with them. This is the hard part trying to remember and organize myself from over the past month of losing sight and mind. But God willing, I’ll make it through this.
May 30th, I had a panic attack while AT the Dr.’s office. He confirmed I wasn’t having a heart attack and then decided to change my medicine again and now has me seeing a specialist. I took my medicine when I left and then thought it would be a bright idea to go towards work. Worst mistake of the year. I won’t go into too much detail, but my vehicle ride felt like I was in a ride to hell. I had to get off the freeway and take back-roads all the way to work; which was a master feat in itself. When I finally made it to work, I ran out of my truck, into my office, and put my head on my table….. and fell asleep.
I’ve lost a few more lbs. I think I’m down about 28 lbs or so. Still have a looooong way to go… but I really am trying my hardest.
Now it’s August 18th, just a few days till my birthday. I see the Dr in a few weeks again. I’m not sure how this is going to turn out. I feel like I’m getting better, but other times I know I’m not. It’s very confusing. I sold my motorcycle. Didn’t think I’d ever do that. It was too dangerous for me to ride when I get super anxious. Hopefully some day I can get another one. I found another outlet to spend my time, by fixing up another boat. Although for all the work I put into it so far, I don’t feel relaxed.
I think I’m finally going to hit the post button on this one and put it out there. Here we go….